Why I live where I live (Sunday Scribblings)

As I've tried to reduce the overwhelm that comes from doing too many things, I've also resisted the pull to participate in new 'community' projects that sprout up in the blogosphere every day. When I saw the topic for this week's Sunday Scribblings, though, I couldn't resist. The subject of 'why I live where I live' is a big one for me ...

I live in central New Jersey, in the town of Bedminster, in a very large development called The Hills (where the wonderful Rebekah also lived at one time). When I got married 23 years ago at 21, The Hills was just going up. It was beautiful, and also beyond our financial reach. But, it was on the way to the apartment that became our first home together, and each time we drove by, we would say, 'Wouldn't it be nice to live there someday??'

And now we do live here in The Hills ... but not together. We were divorced 13 years ago and I moved here first, then about seven years ago, my ex moved into a new section that was being built about three miles away. I think it made our son's life a bit easier, not having to shuttle between two homes that were far apart every other week.

That's just a small aspect of why I live here, though ... the fact that I liked the looks of it lo those many years ago, and that it seemed like a good place to begin my new life after the divorce. But there's a lot more.

In 1998, I spent most of the summer in Southern California working on a project (in Encinitas, just north of San Diego) and fell in love with the area. I had read about places where the temperature averages 70 degrees year-round, but experiencing it is a whole other matter. In the evenings after I was done work, I would pick up some dinner and go down to Powerhouse Park (pictured here in this watercolor. The building is Jake's Restaurant. Here are some other pics of that area.). Surrounded by other picnickers, I would watch the surfers and the sunset, feeling a sense of inner peace, before walking up the street to browse at the Earth Song Bookstore.

One day, while sitting on a bench eating dinner, I watched a whole formal dinner for 12 being set up right in the middle of the park, complete with white tablecloths and candelabras. I figured there must be a wedding going on. Soon, people started arriving in shorts and casual shirts, and unless I missed something, there weren't any signs of a bride and groom. Either it was a very casual wedding, or it was just a gathering of friends who simply wanted to eat outdoors and got Jake's to cater the affair that evening. I watched with envy and thought, 'Now these people really know how to live.'

At the time, my son (Ryan) was 12, and very close to his father, so moving was not something I considered seriously, but once he was grown and off to college, I figured all bets were off. The next year, I took Ryan there on vacation. I asked him if he would want to move there, and in typical 13-year-old fashion, he replied: 'No way! There aren't any good concerts or bands out here!' Hmmm ... I must have missed something. It wasn't really a serious proposition, though. His world had already been ripped apart when he was seven due to the divorce, and I wasn't about to do it to him again.

In 2000, my father turned 70, so naturally--selfless daughter that I am--I took my parents to Del Mar for a week as a birthday present. No sooner had we picked up the rental car and headed north on I-5, than my father says,'Hey, this looks just like Spain!!' Hello! Here I had taken probably a dozen trips to the area by then and it had never dawned on me until he pointed it out that, indeed, the area looks suspiciously like the northern region of Spain where I was born. No wonder I felt so at home whenever I was there ... and here I thought all along it was all about the weather and the laid-back vibe.

While we were there that week, I asked my parents if they would ever consider moving out there, and they said, 'It's nice ... but all our doctors are back in Pennsylvania.' I guess we all have our priorities at different times in our lives. Music for the teenagers, and medical support for the elders.

Three more years went by. In the spring of 2003, Ryan was getting set to graduate high school and head off to college. I clearly remember waking up April 1, opening the blinds and seeing a fresh coat of snow on the ground. I thought: 'Okay, now that's just WRONG!' That day, I decided it was finally time for me to move to California.

I spent the spring paring down my possessions and organizing my life to get ready for a cross-country move. I decided I would go out there for a month that August and line up a place to live so that I could just come back, get Ryan off to college, pack up my things, and go.

The logistics for that trip just weren't coming together, though, and on the morning that the apartment I was going to rent for that month fell through unexpectedly, my wise friend Jamila said, 'Well, you know, maybe it's just not the right time yet. Maybe you should consider pushing your trip out to the fall, after Ryan's settled in at school.' So I did. During the time when I would have been out there, I met John, and little more than two months later, we were living together.

Now, John is someone who's lived in a lot of different places and has moved, on average, every 18 months. So, when I suggested moving to a warmer climate, he was quite open to the idea. By then, though, Ryan had chosen a school in Boston (just about as far east as one can get in the U.S.), and the mother of a good friend who had recently moved back from California was diagnosed with cancer and died six months later, making my friend very grateful that she had heeded the call to be closer to her family, even though she didn't know why yet she felt called to come back east at the time. Until then, I had always imagined that if I moved away, I could just hop on a plane every few months and come back east to visit the folks, but then I realized that if there was a prolonged illness of any sort, it would be just about impossible to really be there if my life was 3000 miles away.

So, John and I decided to consider alternatives on the East Coast, including Maryland, Delaware, Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Florida. We booked a trip to Tampa and, save for one day at Clearwater Beach, spent the week driving around, seriously evaluating the area as a possible home. One morning in the hotel, I had a nightmare that something terrible had happened to my parents and I wasn't there to help. The next morning I had the same nightmare.

I think John would have been willing to rent a place down there for a year to see how we liked it, but within a week of coming back, I knew in my heart that being near my family is more important to me than being in a milder climate. This surprised me because, as a life coach, I really didn't see family as a barrier to living in your ideal place ... it's something coaches are well trained in ... finding possibilities around perceived obstacles. I had to actually go through the exercise of getting close to moving away, though, for me to realize that family is a higher priority to me than I first imagined. I keyed in on the fact that I had already missed out on the experience of 'family' when we moved to the U.S. in 1970, leaving behind a huge brood of aunts, uncles, and cousins. If I moved away now, I would be missing out again on whatever time I have left in this life with my parents and sister. Unlike some people, I actually like my family. There are moments when we drive each other crazy, of course, but I love them nonetheless. I just wish they'd settled in a warmer area.

So, here we are with our two dogs, still in New Jersey ... which actually feels a lot like Del Mar this time of year (the picture above is the back yard; at left is our living/dining area). The winter is another story, though. Still, until the time comes when it really feels right to live somewhere else--or until I can talk my entire family into moving, too--I guess this is where we'll be ... curling up in front of the fireplace and learning to love winter.

Comments

[Paris Parfait]

Your post is really indicative of how at certain times of our lives, we learn to make the best of a situation-----even if our heart longs for something else. I'm sure you'll eventually find your way to your dream. As for growing up in Spain, what a wonderful experience! Thanks for sharing your story.

[susannah]

I love that blogging let's me look through the windows into other's lives. thank you for sharing this. Sx

[Rebekah]

Oh, Maria. This has answered so many questions. I know you have longed to move, but I didn't know the draws and what was pulling your heart. I admire your decisions, yet I long for you to someday be in a physical place that makes your spirit feel fully and forever at home. Until then - well you know how I feel about where you live. My best!!!

[Jennifer]

Learning to love winter - I love it!

[melba]

Your home is beautiful!
I enjoyed reading your home story. It is interesting how priorities shift at different times in our lives.

Glad to see you happy now.

[melissa]

I think more and more people are realizing how important it is to be near family. After being away from mine for about 20 years, I have made the move the be near them. Of course, I moved from the northeast to the south. I think you should work on your family to move to a warmer climate! I love New Jersey but I really loved having absolutely NO snow this winter!

[Linda Mathieu]

I'm living in France. My family is in Texas and Arizona. It has really been a guilt making situation for me. I love my life here with my French husband and have had many wonderful adventures but I have to plan at least 2 trips a year to the States to see everyone. It seems very strange sometimes. I could rearrange my life and my husband would move to Texas with me if I wanted but I haven't yet. Maybe it is because my children have their own lives and not that much time for me. I'm torn, though. Life can certainly take you onto paths you never dreamed of.

[Marilyn]

I love that it took your parents' comment to make you 'see' that the SoCal area you fell in love with looked like your homeland. Sometimes we just feel at HOME...and wonder why... :)

[tinker]

Though, perhaps not your first choice, it looks like you've made the choice that's right for you, right now. And your home is lovely!

[deb]

The longing for "home" is sure an interesting quest, isn't it Dorothy? When I followed the yellow brick road back to Joisey, who knew that the gods would smite my poor mama with cancer and my coming back would be the greatest decision I ever made? Do I miss the Bay Area? You betcha. But I wouldn't have traded in the proximitiy to my family these past years for anything.

I guess I knew that my decicion to move back here (and the aftermath) had had an impact on you, but it feels good to know that following my intuition had ripples beyond me and mi familia. xo d

[Kerstin]

I love the photos, what a wonderfully light and stylish home you have.

Family is so important, I do worry about being so far from my parents as they get older, but I have lived away from my home country for so long and I can't imagine ever going back. I don't know what I will do if they get sick, it is a bridge I will cross when I come to it. And until then I enjoy their visits, my mother actually said the other day that she loves having her children spread around the globe for her to see all these great places!

Great post! Kerstin x

[steven]

hi, lovely site and i have a strabge wish. i took the photo of the picvture of the stones in a river in vermont. im wondeing if you could just take my name out there please? still use the pic all you want, its just my name if you could take it out i would appreciate it. sorry for been wierd, but i was confronted by a even weirder person than myself.. thanks in advance?? steven leach aka salyos